I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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