at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
