she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
