i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
