if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
