cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
