I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
