A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
