omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
