Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
