can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
