I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
