Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
