I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
