he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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