and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
