I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
