My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
