Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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