you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am available for nakedness
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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