Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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