Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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