my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
