My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
