its not stalking. its research.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
