Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I FOUND THE LEGS
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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