Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize