i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize