3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
