4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
