Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
