apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
