When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize