her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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