Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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