Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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