47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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