I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
