The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
