Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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