Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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