This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
