Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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