he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize