Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
