I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
