So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
