he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
