i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
