You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
