I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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