it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
