What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
