I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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