hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
