Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
