Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
