Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
