my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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