literally had 100 drinks last night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
