Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
