i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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