the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
