Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
