***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
